Breathe Evenly

when I feel serious about the prospect of someone:

I clean my room

I go see a gynecologist

By which I mean

I can handle it. I can handle this game, with all of its rules, I can handle being all-in on a shitty hand - cause I don’t care about the money, I play to lose, or something

I can even handle hating myself for it.

I want to know how far I can push it, how long this could possibly sustain itself, what it looks like when it starts to implode, collapse under its own weight, collide with reality - like a movie patron, I want something interesting to happen.

That’s what I tell myself, trying to keep myself from getting invested. I’m just a horrible person, conducting social experiments for her own entertainment.

I mean, that’s always partly true with me, but

at the bottom of it, it’s really simple. I mean, dead simple.

I could love you - that’s why I’m doing this, really, because if it might result in the kind of love I feel like it could, anything is worth it

If it doesn’t work out, it’ll still have been worth it, cause I can’t not. Burn down a forest, or whatever. Move a mountain. For the chance.

that I want the whole world to burn down with me.

You know. So that a new one can grow.

With a generous budget, the effect you create on me could be duplicated in film. Some things remind me of the “Wanted” effects - When you’re near me everything slows down, I soak up the details of the minutiae, my eyes like huge suction devices trying to keep all the light that bounces off you. What no film production could reproduce is the way breathing in right then, next to you, the air itself has become something finer textured, sweeter and less oxygenated.

I don’t know what the fuck to think - obviously, my recent posts are downright bipolar - that’s what’s happening to me, this is infatuation, and I’ve got it bad.

You encourage me. I get caught up in it. I pull you in deeper farther. In quiet moments I rest my head in my hands whispering “what are you doing Rachel what are you doing” and then I lift my head and lean it back and breathe out, a long stream of air up into the space above me, and back in slowly and I smile and shake my head like ‘oh Rachel, you’re so silly’, and sometimes I even LAUGH. out loud in the serious audible air that makes people I didn’t realize were there think I’m crazy. I laugh at myself and the ridiculousness of this

but as soon as you re-enter the frame it’s not funny anymore.

I’m so the instigator/aggressor/baiter/taunter/teaser/temptress/seductress - and don’t get me wrong, it’s fucking fun as hell, I enjoy it because I know you are baited, you are on the line, when I pull you feel it from the hook in your stomach

I have so many mixed feelings about this role, though, tied up with guilt & this idea that if you wanted me you would come get me, and that wanting you enough for both of us will just lead to you coming along for the ride and in the end maybe having regrets, wondering how you got there, especially given - everything else

but also

I feel like you aren’t coming along anywhere, you are going to stay exactly where you are, and you are going to enjoy the show. and that is allowed. Enjoy. It’s for you. (but you would have so much more fun if you joined me)

in the dream

you just told me that it was gonna take you time to straighten everything out. But it would be soon.

In waking life, I laugh at that. nothing is getting straightened out anytime soon, but it’s nice to know that my subconscious is a proponent of wishful thinking.

I’m an asshole

I don’t know what I’m trying to do, or why I think I can get what I want this way. I won’t get what I want from you, and definitely not. this way.

basically. I am putting batteries in a fire, and waiting for the explosion.

It’s mean. I’m fucking with your life. That’s fucked up. I’ll stop now, I promise. 

Just. Be flattered. (It’s flattering, I promise, nobody gets to me like this)

And I’ll walk away, and we can both pretend this never happened. (Nothing actually happened (yet) so that makes it easier to pretend.)

Good morning

It is a beautiful day

I am really excited about my new job. Basically what happened was, everyone who worked in Best Buy Mobile went to work for ACS. ACS pays like $5 more per hour, and puts commission and epic benefits on top of that - there’s a little more responsibility at the actual carrier store, where you handle more complaints and billing issues and stuff, where at Best Buy we send people to the AT&T store to handle stuff we can’t - but it’s not much of a leap.

So anyway, Rosy came over from the Muldoon store, which is smaller & quieter, right before the last of the remaining employees had their last days, and I switched over from computers, looking for a challenge. Mobile had like 6 or 8 people, and now has 2, one on loan from Muldoon, and 2 who haven’t been trained yet. Here is your challenge, Rachel.

In conjunction with being short-staffed and having a ton of new information to assimilate, we also don’t have much in the way of leadership. There are two lead positions and a supervisor/manager position in Best Buy Mobile, and for now Ian is filling in as “supervisor/manager” and the lead positions are staying open. One of them will be mine. I am good in situations like this. I learn fast. I love a challenge. I’m great with customers. I will be really good at this, I will be good for this department, and the experience will be really good for me.